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I know this thread is dead to everyone but me, but I have to rant for a while:

Alfonso Soriano blew out his **!+*%% calf muscle last night while he hopped for a fly ball. This wasn't a fly ball that he had to dive for or anything or even pick up pace for, it was hit right to him, but he does this goofy ass little skip into the air, like he's in a god dammed merry poppins dance number and comes down catching the ball. It looks terrible. He looks like the most fundamentally unsound player since Lou Gherig came back after his disease had taken full hold of him. It's just ridiculous. Everytime he does the jump you immediately stop what you're doing and go, "what the %!#+ was that?" and if you're watching the game with anyone who has never seen a Cubs game, you have to stop and explain that he hops into the air everytime a baseball is hit within a 40 foot radius of him. Anyways, he came down and BLEW HIS GOD DAMMED CALF MUSCLE! What in the hell is wrong with the guy? they should take him under the field at wrigley and beat him with two by fours so that he never does that again. I don't **!+*%% get it, as a coach wouldn't you want to train him not to do that? Then Pinella just laughed about it in an interview, he said he, "just feels comfortable jumping into the air". Who gives a %!#+? I feel comfortable in my underwear eating handfulls of honey (Winnie the pooh style) but I only do it at home and not at work or in public. Get that fucker to quit leaping into the air. They should bolt his feet to the ground, or tether him to the field on one of those dog tracks where the dog runs back and forth on a string suspended above the ground. It makes absolutely no **!+*%% sense and then the guy blows out his leg doing it. Holy @+!%. Come on. Just horrible. Of all the things to happen, what a complete *$+%+$@. He'll be out for the rest of the season probably, actually, knowing the Cubs, he'll probably never play again on account of the most bizarre things happening to his leg from here until the day he dies. I'm sure it'll need to be amputated. They'll probably try and replace it with Harry Carry's corpse's lower leg, or maybe graft harry Carry's arm onto his leg from the knee down. Maybe Ron Santo will donate his bum lower body to Soriano. Just make that *$+%+$@ quit leaping into the air. He looks like a ferry or something catching baseballs. I'm going to attend every game he plays in when he gets back and next time you see him leap into the air, keep your eyes on the field, because a bearded man with glasses will be leaping out of the stands swinging a baseball bat around threatening to kill Alfonso Soriano, and that bearded man will be me. And then I'll write about it in this thread.

You know that's kind of sad really in a way because Bartman really threw me into a pretty deep depression. Even when i think about it now I get kind of depressed. I know I've never been into a sporting event like I was into that baseball game and to have it get @*%*@* up like that is just unbelievable. At one point I was kind of pleased because I knew I was seeing some big part of baseball lore, but that wasn't enough to pull me through. It really was like the girl of your dreams just dropped you and started %%*%$*@ your landlord. It was terrible. And I'd feel bad anyways because the Cubs blew it and then I'd see his face and it just made me feel worse. I'd think, "Man, I feel like $!+%, I can't believe they lost. It was that fucker, Bartman!" and i'd ball up into a rage, but then I'd see his face, confused and frightened, like this was his first night out of his grandmother's basement and I just felt worse. I couldn't believe THAT guy was giving me so much personal pain. So I guess it's more like if you were dating Bartman and then he dumped you and started %%*%$*@ your landlord. You know, because he was the source of all the pain. I really hated that man for a while, but I went as him for halloween one year and drank myself stupid. Then I went into the bathroom and I saw Bartman's reflection in the mirror and I ran out screaming and tried to jump off the balcony in an attempt to kill Bartman, my friends had to strap me down. I was suicidal. They kept trying to convince me that I wasn't bartman, but then I'd see my reflection in a beer bottle and fly into a rage against my restraints. Also, I'm a big Simpsons fan, and he tainted the Bartman character for me. That is a crime punishable only by death. But whatever, the guy is probably in his grandmother's basement making ham radios again, so @!++ him. I'm really surprised he made it out of that stadium though, Wrigley can be a viscious place for anyone, much less the guy who @*%*@* up the Cubs world series hopes.

Yeah man, I think the Tigers will be good. Their lineup is unbelievable. Sheffield, Cabrera who has got to be on Roids or coming off roids, that guy got so fat so fast, he was like a little boy when he came into the league, he was ten times his initial size just one year later, and Ordonez. You also have prince fielder. That's unbelievable. They'll be good.

I remember when Grammatica did that. At least he was only a kicker and kind of an ass anyways, even though kickers can be a big deal. That was great though.

Oh yeah, that bastard plays for the Brewers. My bad, I forgot. At some point Sheffield has got to start falling apart. He's pretty old by my calculations. But yeah he's still a monster.